Kel Kelly

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I'm a social media junkie and smoke Google Analytics in a crack pipe to get my day going. I hope my immersed insight and offbeat view make you laugh. More importantly, I hope you take a second and share your thoughts by posting a comment. If you have any ideas on how to make my blog better, shoot an email to [email protected].

Peace out.

Social Media’s Word Hijacking (2010)

November 10, 2010 6:21 PM

Remember when there was no social media and words used in today’s vernacular had a completely different meaning:

Alert: How you tried to act in front of the cop who pulled you over when you were in high school and clearly had way too much to drink

Always-On: That annoying friend who thought being funny was a 24-hour commitment

Apps: Things you ate at a party in the seventies when the limited choices included a cheese ball covered in nasty nuts, devilled eggs, ham pinwheels, cocktail weenies, and cream cheese filled celery

Bookmarking: The act of noting a page with a laminated construction paper strip with a glued-on school photo of your child, pieces of cut doily, a tassel and shreds of felt

Browser: The bitch that constantly roamed your store but never bought anything

Bulletin Board:
A framed piece of cork that hung on your bedroom wall and proudly displayed your certificates of accomplishment, sports ribbons, Polaroid photos, dried corsage, and yellowed newspaper clippings

Chat: What a nice mother would say she needed to have with you after the Principal handed her a stack of absentee notes you had forged — I’m just saying….

Comment: A verbal reply that could range in tone from June Cleaver to wise ass

Conversation: A verbal exchange between two people whose proximity was so close you could smell each other’s breath

Craigslist: Something a seven-year-old boy holding his breath would give to Santa knowing full well that he would have “naughty” next to his name

Delicious: Because you didn’t know any better, a word often used to describe the nasty “Apps” listed above

Dig(g): A term hippies used to confirm their stoned friend understood what they had said — as in, “Ya dig?”

Engagement: A promise to marry that used to only be allowed between a man and a woman until we gays came along and ruined the sanctity of marriage

Feed: What a farmer did to his cows, chickens, sheep and goats to ensure they didn’t die

FlashMob: Involved a group of people, trench coats, nudity and arrests

Flickr: Something you used to do with a boogie

Foursquare: A playground game that involved a square court and four players — cell phone, check-ins and badges were not required

Friends: Kids who came over to your house when your parents were out and helped you drink your dad’s Schlitz beer

Hashtag: A tap on your friend’s shoulder before you passed him/her the bong

Host: Someone who wore an apron and owned the house where those nasty “Apps” were being served

Like: A word used to describe a middle school crush and was usually followed by “going out” which had nothing to do with leaving the building

Links: Made of chains and found in a fence that surrounded an above-ground pool, hibatchi grill, tether ball pole and whirly bird

Lurker: The weird neighbor whose pants’ pockets always had holes in them

Mashup: Involved a bunch of boiled potatoes and a kitchen utensil that looked like it would be better used to brand cattle

MySpace: Part of a three word retort you would scream at your mother after she told you to clean up your filthy room — As in “It’s my space!”

Pandora: That trouble-making Greek biyatch who used a box to store all things evil

Photosharing: The act of passing around funny Polaroids that may have included you with Noxema on your face or holding a Stayfree sanitary napkin the size of an airplane pillow or putting on Bonne Bell flavored lip gloss

Post: What the Center — who was probably wearing white canvas high tops — on your basketball team did in an attempt to get the ball passed to him/her

Profile: When used almost always had the words “serial killer” before it

Sharing: What first graders did with their bologna sandwiches at lunch and it never involved pushing a button

StumbleUpon: Usually what you did to the cop after he pulled you over when you were in high school and clearly had way too much to drink

Tag: A sale in your front yard where you could earn $1.05 from selling your Wacky Packs and your mother’s old wigs

What you were wearing when you passed the bong to your friend

Tool: A completely unaware poser who thinks the world is impressed with his sexual prowess but who usually elicits the response “loser” behind his back

Trolls: Those way-too-creepy, tiny, naked dolls with the wild-ass hair who look like they licked an electrical outlet

Tumblr: A cup made from toxin-filled plastic that is sure to have you glowing in the dark later in life

Tweet: What the birds did way too early in the morning the night after the cop pulled you over when you were in high school and clearly had way too much to drink

TweetUp: Something two horny birds did after too much booze

Viral: Something you didn’t want to get and sure in the heck didn’t want to spread

Widget: Something a manufacturer made when you had no effing idea what they actually made

Yelp: What a dog did when you accidentally hit him with your banana bike

What hijacked words come to mind when you think of the world before social media?

Please note: Comments on this blog are moderated. Any comments that are focused on personal attacks, bullying, threats or overall negativity will be removed.

Posted by Kel | in Uncategorized | 25 Comments »

25 Comments on “Social Media’s Word Hijacking (2010)”

  1. Lisa Says:

    Status & Update!

  2. Lisa Says:

    Poke! Still means the same thing to me thought! ;)

  3. Lisa Says:

    I’m laughing so hard at this Kel! Nice job!

  4. Kel Says:

    lisa, how could i have forgotten “poke”?! a great addition to this list. tee-hee.

  5. Kathleen Says:

    This is one of THE funniest things I’ve read in a long, long time… =)

  6. Kel Says:

    kathleen, that is so great to hear. thank you for taking the time to comment!

  7. Paula Kavolius Says:

    This is clever and brilliant – I really enjoy reading your journey of yesterday, today, and now how about tomorrow?
    Go Kel Go! Break that barrier!

  8. Ben Carcio Says:

    Kel, Great post. One more:

    Social – a middle school dance, used to calm parents who were too afraid to send their kids to an actual “dance.” Also often used in church pancake breakfasts, and drinking games.


  9. Meagan Shaffer Says:

    Web – a place where spiders lived, and liars wove tangled ones.

    Kel, this is hysterical!!!! :) :) :) :)

  10. Monica Young Goldfinger Says:

    The good old days — this is great! This is precisely why we don’t have a tv or wifi in wellfleet. (and why we show up at your door for major televised events. hahaha!)

  11. Christie Says:

    Hysterical! I don’t know whats funnier..this post or the fact that I actually like some of those “apps” today

  12. Kel Says:

    ben, that’s a good one! my memories of middle school dances are hilarious. “and she’s buying a stairway to heaven….”

  13. Kel Says:

    meagan, cant believe i missed that one. your two definitions are equally as hysterical!

  14. Kel Says:

    monica, without you in my life, i never would have heard of the show “so you think you can dance.” keep showing up at our door. i appreciate the endless laughter.

  15. Mike Langford Says:

    Let’s not forget “transparency.” Remember those clear plastic things the teachers used with the overhead projector?

  16. Kel Says:

    christie, you must also like swedish meatballs, onion dip and rose wine. haha.

  17. Kel Says:

    mike, you are a social media rockstar. i had that on my original list, but couldn’t come up with anything to define it. thanks for your brilliance!

  18. Joe Dawkins Says:

    this is hysterical! love “engagement and browser” haha

  19. Kel Says:

    thanks for the props joe! must say that i love “engagement” too. helps amplify the ridiculousness of some people’s perspectives.

  20. Deirdre Says:

    I think I just had sugar-free Red Bull spray out of my nose I was laughing so hard while sipping! Classic!

  21. Kel Says:

    deirdre,that is a great visual!

  22. Lindsay Olson Says:


  23. Kel Says:

    thanks lindsay! somehow your comment ended up marked as spam. not sure why. sorry about the posting delay.

  24. Ari Says:

    Tech: Where your loser cousin who didn’t study liberal arts went before nerds became cool and took over the planet.

    User: Someone who tried to get laid by telling you how cool you were, pretending to like your favorite band, and spouting Kahlil Gibran.

  25. Kel Says:

    haha! those are two great addition ari. you are very witty.

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