Remember when there was no social media and words used in today’s vernacular had a completely different meaning:

Alert: How you tried to act in front of the cop who pulled you over when you were in high school and clearly had way too much to drink

Always-On: That annoying friend who thought being funny was a 24-hour commitment

Apps: Things you ate at a party in the seventies when the limited choices included a cheese ball covered in nasty nuts, devilled eggs, ham pinwheels, cocktail weenies, and cream cheese filled celery

Bookmarking: The act of noting a page with a laminated construction paper strip with a glued-on school photo of your child, pieces of cut doily, a tassel and shreds of felt

Browser: The bitch that constantly roamed your store but never bought anything

Bulletin Board: A framed piece of cork that hung on your bedroom wall and proudly displayed your certificates of accomplishment, sports ribbons, Polaroid photos, dried corsage, and yellowed newspaper clippings

Chat: What a nice mother would say she needed to have with you after the Principal handed her a stack of absentee notes you had forged — I’m just saying….

Comment: A verbal reply that could range in tone from June Cleaver to wise ass

Conversation: A verbal exchange between two people whose proximity was so close you could smell each other’s breath

Craigslist: Something a seven-year-old boy holding his breath would give to Santa knowing full well that he would have “naughty” next to his name

Delicious: Because you didn’t know any better, a word often used to describe the nasty “Apps” listed above

Dig(g): A term hippies used to confirm their stoned friend understood what they had said — as in, “Ya dig?”

Engagement: A promise to marry that used to only be allowed between a man and a woman until we gays came along and ruined the sanctity of marriage

Feed: What a farmer did to his cows, chickens, sheep and goats to ensure they didn’t die

FlashMob: Involved a group of people, trench coats, nudity and arrests

Flickr: Something you used to do with a boogie

Foursquare: A playground game that involved a square court and four players — cell phone, check-ins and badges were not required

Friends: Kids who came over to your house when your parents were out and helped you drink your dad’s Schlitz beer

Hashtag: A tap on your friend’s shoulder before you passed him/her the bong

Host: Someone who wore an apron and owned the house where those nasty “Apps” were being served

Like: A word used to describe a middle school crush and was usually followed by “going out” which had nothing to do with leaving the building

Links: Made of chains and found in a fence that surrounded an above-ground pool, hibatchi grill, tether ball pole and whirly bird

Lurker: The weird neighbor whose pants’ pockets always had holes in them

Mashup: Involved a bunch of boiled potatoes and a kitchen utensil that looked like it would be better used to brand cattle

MySpace: Part of a three word retort you would scream at your mother after she told you to clean up your filthy room — As in “It’s my space!”

Pandora: That trouble-making Greek biyatch who used a box to store all things evil

Photosharing: The act of passing around funny Polaroids that may have included you with Noxema on your face or holding a Stayfree sanitary napkin the size of an airplane pillow or putting on Bonne Bell flavored lip gloss

Post: What the Center — who was probably wearing white canvas high tops — on your basketball team did in an attempt to get the ball passed to him/her

Profile: When used almost always had the words “serial killer” before it

Sharing: What first graders did with their bologna sandwiches at lunch and it never involved pushing a button

StumbleUpon: Usually what you did to the cop after he pulled you over when you were in high school and clearly had way too much to drink

Tag: A sale in your front yard where you could earn $1.05 from selling your Wacky Packs and your mother’s old wigs

Threads: What you were wearing when you passed the bong to your friend

Tool: A completely unaware poser who thinks the world is impressed with his sexual prowess but who usually elicits the response “loser” behind his back

Trolls: Those way-too-creepy, tiny, naked dolls with the wild-ass hair who look like they licked an electrical outlet

Tumblr: A cup made from toxin-filled plastic that is sure to have you glowing in the dark later in life

Tweet: What the birds did way too early in the morning the night after the cop pulled you over when you were in high school and clearly had way too much to drink

TweetUp: Something two horny birds did after too much booze

Viral: Something you didn’t want to get and sure in the heck didn’t want to spread

Widget: Something a manufacturer made when you had no effing idea what they actually made

Yelp: What a dog did when you accidentally hit him with your banana bike

What hijacked words come to mind when you think of the world before social media?

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