Kel Kelly

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From Tiger To Pussy

December 30, 2009 5:33 PM

I have purposely waited to blog about the Tiger Woods controversy. I wanted to see how this sports titan would handle the crisis. And now, I can safely say that he has gone from a Tiger to a Pussy in just a few weeks.

I mean honestly, where the eff is Tiger? For someone known for his unwavering focus and ability to come from behind (no pun intended) to win a title, he has totally missed out on an opportunity to deal with this crisis head on.

Say what you want about Mark Sanford’s ramblings about finding his soul mate or John Edwards’ unthinkable act of cheating on his terminally ill wife. At least when their cats came out of the bag, they took a “suck it up” pill and fell on their sword for the entire world to see. Aside from a carefully worded post on his website using confusing words like “transgressions,” Tiger has yet to come out of the woods.

If Tiger had a PR firm worth the millions I am sure they are being paid, why aren’t they telling him to do the following?

  1. Hold a press conference and take full responsibility for his actions.
  2. Disclose that there were X number of other women who he had affairs with who have not been identified. He needs to uncover everything so there is nothing left to keep the story alive.
  3. Announce that he is going into rehab for sex addiction. Addiction is the only way to explain his reckless behavior. No human being in their right mind — particularly a high profile celebrity — would think that he or she could get away with such an ongoing and visible laundry list of affairs unless there was some sort of addiction. By the way, I think Vegas now needs a new tagline because clearly “What goes on in Vegas does not stay in Vegas.”
  4. Apologize to his family. Acknowledge that no woman on the planet deserves to be treated the way he has treated his wife Elin. He is a donkey and if the universe truly had its way with him, he will never get laid again.

There is no way he can stuff this genie back in the bottle so he needs to address it immediately. This will not just blow (no pun intended here either) over. The longer he waits, the more his reputation will deteriorate to the point of no recovery. At this point John Daly looks like a saint compared to Tiger. The public is capable of forgiveness when someone takes responsibility for his or her actions. Think Martha Stewart. However, when someone denies, or even worse, sticks his or her head in the sand, the public will keep the controversy alive and continue to ridicule. Think the Catholic Church.

Tiger needs to put this nightmare to bed as quickly as he can for himself, his family and his fans. If he ever wants to be a winning golfer again, he needs to take the spotlight off him ASAP. I don’t care how talented you are or how laser-like your focus is, having a bunch of drunken golf fans screaming at you on the course will ruin anybody’s game. I get almost giddy thinking about the one-liners:

  • “Hope you get it in the hole big guy!”
  • “Pull out your big wood!”
  • “You can use your wedge on me any day stud muffin!”
  • “18 holes are better than one!”
  • “Can I borrow your cell phone, I need to text a stripper?”
  • “I hear you play well in the rough!”
  • “Drive those balls like you did in Vegas!”
  • “Just do it…with your wife!”

Do you think Tiger will ever be able to salvage his reputation?

Posted by Kel | in Featured, Uncategorized | 16 Comments »

16 Comments on “From Tiger To Pussy”

  1. Ben Carcio Says:

    Yes, well sort of, because his base fan is predominately male, and yes, golf is a gentleman’s sport, but its likely the most popular activity at bachelor parties behind drinking and strip clubs. So, the whole thing might give him more cred with the average golf club buying dude. This is why Nike has stuck with him, but companies like Tag Heuer and Accenture didn’t. He can still play, and he will still sell clubs. – BC

  2. Kel Says:

    ben, i always look forward to your honest perspective. i think what you are saying is that guys are dogs and wanna be him. haha. kidding. i have a question: do you think he will get ridiculed on the course? boys will be boys and with a few drinks in them, i think they will ride his ass. thoughts? btw, happy new year my friend! thanks for all your comments.

  3. Janet Says:

    “He is a donkey and if the universe truly had its way with him, he will never get laid again.”

  4. Ben Carcio Says:

    Kel, Happy New Years to you and the whole clan! The golf course thing will be super interesting. He used to freak when people would take photos of him, because the shutters would distract him. His caddy(Steve) and fans would protect him. But,they can’t now. It will be very interesting. Open season on him now. – BC

  5. Meagan Says:

    I think it’s too late for any sort of recovery, and that he sealed his fate when he set up in a ship docked a few blocks from where the main mistress was staying. His “class act/good guy” rep is dead and gone. Most of all – he should fire his PR team immediately!!

  6. Christine Says:

    I think it’s safe to say that his reputation will never completely recover from this. I think it could improve somewhat if he publically (and sincerely) apologizes for all of the pain that he has caused and like you said, seeks help for his sex addiction. However, I think many people will always have this scandal in the back of their minds when his name is brought up. I wonder if his PR team urged him to take the actions listed above and Tiger simply chose to ignore their advice and do it his way? I can’t imagine any PR professional advising him to handle it the way that he has!

  7. Kel Says:

    janet, right?

  8. Kel Says:

    ben, it will be very interesting. i bet the pga puts new “spectator sanctions” or something to try to control it. if they can’t, it will turn into a shitshow for tiger, the pga and the networks covering him. sounds like a good time to me. actually, you know what would be hilarious — if the spectators had a cut out face of elin on a popsicle stick. oh…now that would be truly evil and 100% deserved. mooohahahahaha…..

  9. Kel Says:

    meagan, how can you say that?! you of all people should know that clients don’t always take the advice of pr people. something tells me his balls (not as in golf) drives his ego and decisions. he really is a donkey.

  10. Kel Says:

    christine, i’m with you sista’! see my comment above to meagan.

  11. Jameson Bull Says:

    I couldn’t agree more. The simple fact that Tiger beat out 9/11 for the most consecutive covers on the New York Post is evidence enough that he totally screwed up how he handled this.

    (On a side note, I do also find it pretty disgusting that the Post gave Tiger more attention than 9/11, but that is a different story all together…)

    I’m beginning to think that it may be easier at this point to just try and rebuild his image a a crazy partying sex-crazed golfer rather than try to salvage what is left of his polished and private persona from before this fiasco. Maybe Smirnoff and Trojan are looking to endorse some pro athletes?

  12. Kel Says:

    jameson, i totally agree with repositioning himself as a bad boy. check out the vanity fair cover:

    http://www.businessinsider.com/dear-sponsors-meet-tiger-woods-the-bad-boy-2010-1

    He really could own this in a big way!

  13. Liz Says:

    This headline is genius Kel. Love it.

  14. Kel Says:

    thanks liz! believe it or not, i hurt my seo by going with a clever headline vs. something literal people would type in a search bar. oh well, i will always let humor trump conventional wisdom.

  15. Diaper Cake Party Says:

    This is a great site, I love the theme you are using. I Stumbled it for you and bookmarked it on Digg.

  16. Rachel Uchitel Says:

    What I love is his wife CAME back after screwing over 19 women. What an IDIOT! Now that would be a great blog.

    Rachel xoxo

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